what to do with friends who stress you out
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There'due south a reason nosotros love our friends so much. Friendships aren't but almost having a fun crew to hang out with on the weekends; they're a hugely important part of our health and well-being.
"Healthy friendships are important at every age," says Dr. Marjorie Hogan, a board-certified pediatrician in adolescent medicine in Minnesota. Why? Your mental, emotional, and physical health are all related, she explains. "Strong friendships pb to positive mental and emotional health, providing credence, mutual affection, trust, respect, and fun."
Only as powerful as a healthy friendship can be, the flip side is also true: Certain friendships tin be mentally and emotionally draining if they get also much. For case, the friend who gets weirdly jealous or possessive when you spend fourth dimension with another friend, or the roommate who constantly wants to confide in you but never listens when you demand to vent about something. These overbearing friendships can accept a toll on your happiness and emotional health.
Skillful friendships gone bad
Conspicuously, relationships are important, only what can we do when they become awry? More than half of students who responded to a contempo CampusWell survey said they've experienced an overbearing or unhealthy friendship.
Students in our survey shared stories near what made their friendships turn sour (due east.g., friends who made the relationship all near them, acted jealous of other friend groups, were too nosy nearly things they didn't want to share, refused to have responsibleness, drained their emotional energy, or acted decision-making).
If you're wondering whether you might be dealing with an overbearing or unhealthy friendship, think well-nigh how you experience when you're with this person. "The beginning thing yous should inquire is how do you feel when you're with this friend?" says Dr. Jacobs. If the answer is anything negative—stressed, anxious, annoyed, guilty, exhausted, not good enough, stupid, ugly, ashamed—that's a red flag.
Here are some specific questions to consider:
- Does my friend get aroused if I don't call/text dorsum correct away?
- Does my friend make me feel guilty if I don't include them in every activity?
- Does my friend make negative comments about my busy schedule?
- Does my friend make their schedule around when I'm gratuitous?
- Do I worry nigh this friend to the point of distraction?
- Practice I find myself developing excuses to avoid my friend?
- Exercise I lie to my friend nearly what I'm doing?
- Is my friend jealous of other people/things in my life?
- Do I go bellyaching whenever this person contacts me?
- Do I dread running into this person?
- Am I overwhelmed equally soon equally I see this person?
- Does this friendship leave me feeling wearied or drained?
- Does it feel like a one-way relationship where I'm giving all the support or putting in all the effort?
- Does it experience similar my friend is ever in control?
If y'all answered aye to some of these questions, it doesn't necessarily hateful your relationship is doomed. Below are some recommendations for dealing with a friendship that's become dysfunctional.
The first pace is to have a conversation—that's what 59 pct of students did when dealing with an overbearing friend, according to the CampusWell survey. "When you don't tell people how upset you are with their behavior, you can internalize it—yous end up taking all these feelings out on yourself," says Dr. Jacobs. Talking it out tin can be easier said than washed, merely if yous intendance almost saving the friendship, information technology'southward worth it, she says. When you don't talk about what'due south bothering yous, "it ends upwards damaging the human relationship more and can really erode the friendship."
"Sometimes your friend may not even realize that their actions are and then toxic," says Isra A., a fourth-year undergraduate at Texas Adult female's University.
Once you've decided to bring up the issue, how you present it to your friend matters. The experts recommend "building a sandwich"—sliding an issue such as needing more infinite between two positive comments. This tin can assistance reduce the take chances of your friend getting defensive or feeling hurt.
Here'south an example: "I love how much fun we have together—you're my favorite person to hang out with on the weekends. This semester is so crazy for me though, and I don't really have fourth dimension to hang out on weeknights too. Let'due south book Saturday nights for each other in our calendars, OK?"
If the issue is deeper—for example, addressing a friend who has been putting you downwardly or beingness manipulative—it'southward best to be direct just kind, says Dr. Jacobs. "Say, 'I feel this way when you practise 10,' rather than say, 'You are 10.'" People are more than likely to be receptive when you talk nearly how an activity is making you experience vs. getting defensive if they feel defendant of something.
Course correcting a friendship involves sharing your perspective and listening to theirs. "Put your phone on silent and go for a walk [or] grab luncheon," says Dr. Ian Connole, a sports psychologist in Boston. "Listen twice as much every bit you talk—really give your friend the gift of your time and full attending." You might get some insight into why your friend has go so overbearing or passive-aggressive lately—and be able to empathize with information technology. "It's amazing how oftentimes the conflict or disagreement ways less when the friendship means more," says Dr. Connole.
You can distance yourself amicably without totally cutting ties, says Dr. Jacobs. "Get busy and commencement getting involved with other people," she says. In doing this, you don't necessarily accept to tell your friend why you're spending more time on other things if y'all feel information technology would exist unhelpful or hurtful to do and then, she adds.
Instead, encourage your friend to get more involved in other activities besides. You can fifty-fifty innovate them to some new people—with more than options, your friend won't be every bit dependent on the time spent solely with you.
When the person y'all live with is super overbearing, treatment the situation can be extra tricky. Be articulate and let your roommate know you demand a fleck of breathing room or that your apartment/dorm is becoming a loftier-stress zone for you. Depict up a listing of roommate rules that leave yous both feeling respected in your space.
In the worst-case scenario, take yourself out of the stress zone and seek solace in an open lounge, the library, or a favorite café or coffee store when yous need a little peace.
Sometimes it can be helpful to talk things over with someone exterior the state of affairs, such as a parent or mentor. If you live on campus, your resident advisor can assistance, and the campus counseling center can too offer an unbiased ear. You lot'd be surprised how many students run into with someone professional to talk near friendship and roommate stress—virtually a third of our survey respondents say they dealt with their overbearing friend this mode. By assessing the things that are challenging and communicating sensitively, you can move forrad with more free energy to devote to all of your other pursuits.
"Friends are really good opportunities to learn about yourself," says Dr. Jacobs. "Whenever you're having difficulty with a friend, it'southward always skilful to have a look at what you lot're bringing to the equation." If the dynamic in your friendship has inverse for the worse, ask yourself if there's anything you may take contributed to that. For instance, take you started hanging out with someone new who isn't very inclusive of your older friends and might be sparking some jealousy? "It'southward important to likewise have responsibleness for your role in the dynamic, if possible," Dr. Jacobs says.
Some friendships shouldn't be saved. Ask yourself if your healthy dynamic has turned sour or if you've maybe just realized that in that location are certain personality traits in this person you don't like or that don't bring out the all-time in you. In the latter case, you can—and should—distance yourself in favor of healthier relationships that align with your values.
"Don't ever feel guilty or bad most doing this. There's no shame in taking intendance of yourself and walking away from a bad friendship. Yous owe information technology to yourself and to the important people in your life to be in a better place," says Tiffany K., a fifth-year undergraduate at the Academy of Victoria in Canada.
Source: https://www.campuswell.com/is-a-friendship-taking-over-your-life/
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